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一位性治疗师的自白 I was a sex surrogate

来源:www.en369.cn  作者:英语作文网  时间:2012-11-07  

 Helen Hunt in "The Sessions"

The ad in New York magazine said they needed women who were “bright, articulate and enjoyed helping people.” A little skimpy on information, but I decided to call. I’d just returned from an eight-month dance-teaching gig in Brazil, and I had no idea what to do next.

I know many women wouldn’t take the job they were advertising, but I’d had my own sexual trauma in the past, and needed healing from that. Since I had spent many years in self-destruct mode, I wanted to use my need for sexual connection to help others. Finally, I had my answer: working as a sex surrogate.

Like Helen Hunt’s character in “The Sessions,” a sex surrogate is a therapist who helps people overcome their bedroom dysfunctions. Yes, it involves sleeping with strangers, but unlike prostitution, these men weren’t in search of a good time. They were in pain and filled with shame. They had tried everything. Usually, a sex surrogate is a last resort. And over time, they taught me more about intimacy and vulnerability than I could have imagined.

It wasn’t always easy to get close to these men. Bruce was a limo driver, and though he was warm and engaging, he was so unkempt that I worried I’d have trouble being intimate. (I’ve changed the men’s names and identifying details to protect them.) I felt guilty about this, because it was a point of pride that I didn’t judge my clients, but Bruce was a challenge in this department. He was in his mid- to late 30s, bald except for some fuzzy patches, and very heavy. His shirt was always halfway tucked in and had food stains on it. Most of his weight was in his stomach, which lay over the top of his pants.

But my heart went out to the guy. With a sheepish grin, he would sit awkwardly on the couch and describe his problems. He had little experience with women and knew almost nothing about female anatomy and how it worked.

So I taught Bruce how to move his hips in a thrusting motion. Starting with our clothes on, I demonstrated for Bruce simulated intercourse positions: doggy style, female on top, side to side. He was so confused about how to find the entrance to the vagina in rear entry. “It’s all turned around now,” he said.

At first, I was astonished to find that men like him existed. I always thought men were born with an innate understanding of how to have sex. But what I discovered over the years was just how wrong I was. I’ve learned that men are extremely sensitive about being able to “perform” and that they often have no idea how their bodies work. They are terrified that women will find out they don’t know what they are doing, and they will be humiliated and shamed.

Some problems are more complicated than that. David was tall, slim, in his early 30s, and I liked him instantly. He was successful as a commercial artist, but not in relationships. But whenever he got hard, he would usually lose his erection.

I found out his family history, and it wasn’t pretty: As an adolescent, David was subjected to the inappropriate gestures of his very attractive and seductive mother. Several times when he had his friends over, she would sunbathe topless in the backyard. One day, with teenage hormones raging, David made an advance, and she flipped out. Enraged, she told him he was a freak and pushed him away. Their relationship changed forever – so did his relationships with other women.

David’s romances were doomed before they began. Every time he got to the point of penetration, he would go limp. He felt overwhelming embarrassment and guilt during these moments. On the rare occasion that David could maintain his erection, he would come soon after penetration. Through therapy it became clear that David kept reliving the humiliation of that first awful experience. He wanted to be close to a woman, but he wanted to avoid it, too, which was an impossible equation. But over time, David began to trust me, and his fears started to fade. By the time he left, he was dating with optimism for the first time.

Watching “The Sessions,” I was powerfully reminded of the strange vulnerability that existed in those rooms. Of course, the setup was quite different. I was supervised in a clinic by a certified sex therapist, while Helen Hunt’s character works from the comfort of a friend’s place. And while her six-session limit might work better for the time constraints of a film, I needed 12 sessions over a three-month period just so the patient could learn, practice on his own and gain enough confidence in the newly acquired skills to “fly on his own” in the real world. But the movie is a reminder of how fragile and fascinating sexual intimacy is. It reminded me how happy it could make me, watching a man discover his own sexual power.

The job could be a challenge, of course. As effective and amazing as the work was, it was still largely unknown or misunderstood. I felt like I had uncovered a hidden treasure but was up against a society of puritanical fools. And while my boyfriend got it, I didn’t always believe him. I wondered if he worried about my loyalty. I had to learn to be disassociated from my body enough to be able to share it in this way and yet it was clear I had a rare mission.

That job was one of the great honors of my life. I felt self-conscious being naked, at times, but it was a nakedness we shared, and since the focus was always placed back on them and their bodies, it didn’t last long. I wasn’t myself with them so much as I was “everywoman” – they could tell me things they’d shared with no other woman and not be shamed: I was their bridge between a hopeful new beginning sexually and the women in their lives with whom they’d be returning to renewed.

There was nothing magic about those sessions, even though what happened could often feel magical. But those conversations don’t have to take place only inside clinics. I wish both men and women would realize that slowing down and being present is the key to discovering what their bodies need and that communicating openly about this process creates intimacy. Everyone is afraid of being inexperienced and inadequate in the bedroom.

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Rebecca Torosian is an intimacy expert who helps women and men create greater intimacy and resolve sexual issues through one-on-one consultations and workshops. She worked as a certified sex surrogate at The Center for Sexual Recovery in New York City for four years. For more on Rebecca, visit savingintimacy.com.
More Rebecca Torosian.

不到万不得已,这些男人是不会走进一个性治疗师的房间的,我帮他们找回自信的同时也发现了一些奇怪的性爱方式,

 

海伦·亨特在电影《性福疗程》中

《纽约》杂志上一则广告中声称他们需要一位“性格开朗,善于表达并且乐于助人”的女性。这则招聘启事说的不明不白的,但我还是决定打电话过去询问。我刚刚结束了在巴西8个月的演出舞蹈教学,对于接下来干什么还没有打算好。

我知道很多女性不会去做这则广告中的这份工作,但是我自己过去也受过性创伤,也需要从中走出来。过去很多年,我都是在一种自我毁灭的状态中度过的,我希望用这种性接触的方式去帮助别人。最终,我决定了:当一名性治疗师。

就像电影《性福疗程》中的海伦一样,性治疗师的工作内容就是帮助人们解决不和谐的性生活。是的,这项工作包括和陌生人睡觉,但并不是卖淫,这些男人并不是为了解决性欲而来的。他们生活在痛苦之中,满怀屈辱,尝试过各种方法。通常,来找性治疗师都是万不得已的办法。在治疗过程中,他们让我对性爱以及两性关系的脆弱性有了更多的了解,这些都超出了我的想象。

并不是所有前来治疗的男人都是容易接近的。布鲁斯是一位豪车司机,尽管他性格温和,性格迷人,但是他太邋遢了,使我对和他发生关系产生畏惧心理。(为保护当事人隐私,文中人物均使用化名。)这点让我觉得愧疚,以貌取人会损伤顾客的自尊心,布鲁斯在这方面是一个挑战。他快40岁了,头发稀疏几近秃顶,特别肥胖。他那沾满食品污渍的衬衫总是半卷着,那集中了大部分体重的硕大的肚子总是搁在裤子上。

但是我很快把心思放到了我的顾客身上。带着羞涩的微笑,他尴尬的坐在沙发上向我倾诉他的困惑。他很少有和女性交往的经验,对于女性的生理构造以及如何工作几乎一无所知。

于是我教布鲁斯怎么活动屁股来完成活塞运动。我穿着衣服和布鲁斯模拟性交体位:后入式,女上位,从前到后。布鲁斯还是迷惑不解,他不知道真正做爱的时候怎么进入阴道。“身体都完全转了个过了,”他说。

起初,对于世界上还有这样的人存在我简直无语。我一直以为男人天生就知道怎么做爱。但是这些年我逐渐发现我的想法是大错特错的。我知道了男人对于如何“动作”是非常敏感的,很多时候他们都不知道他们的身体是怎么工作的。他们害怕被女人发现他们对性的无知,这会让他们觉得很丢人。

有些人的问题比这更复杂。戴维是一个30岁出头的年轻人,高大修长,我一见到他就很喜欢他。他是一位成功的商业广告艺术家,但在两性关系上却很失败,一勃起就会软掉。

我了解到他那不光彩的成长经历:还是个青少年时,他那漂亮迷人的母亲就总是当着他的面做出一些不雅的姿势。好几次他的朋友来访时,她总是赤裸着上身在后院晒日光浴。有一天,戴维实在忍不住了,强奸了他的母亲,她气疯了,说他是一个怪胎,一把推开了他。他们的关系从此陷入了僵局——这种障碍在他和其他女人的交往中也由此产生。

戴维的爱情注定是失败的。每次他刚想进入,下身就软了。每当这时,他就会非常尴尬非常内疚。偶尔,戴维也能坚持着进入对方的身体,但是很快就会疲软。通过治疗,我清楚的发现戴维只是在不断重温着第一次可怕经历的那种屈辱感。他想和女人发生亲密关系,同时又想尽量避免,这是一种很矛盾的心理。随着时间的推移,戴维开始相信我,那些藏匿于内心深处的恐惧感也开始慢慢褪色。到他离开的时候,他第一次心情轻松的谈起了恋爱。

电影《性福疗程》让我强烈的意识到两性关系中的脆弱。当然,环境是完全不同的。我是一位经过认证的性治疗师,我的诊所是在有关部门的监管之下的,而海伦·亨特的“工作”是在朋友家舒适的卧室里完成的。她的六个疗程如果不是受限于电影时间,可能效果会更好,而我的治疗需要三个月12个疗程,这样我的客户才能够学到新的技巧,并通过自己的亲身体验来获取足够的信心,在现实生活中一展雄风。这部电影让我明白性爱在迷人的同时又是多么易碎。看到一个男人重获“性”心,是让我最快乐的事。

当然,这项工作是一个挑战。鉴于工作内容的惊世骇俗,它在很大程度还未被公众所熟知和认可。我觉得我发现了一个秘密的宝藏,却遭到清教徒式的傻瓜们的反对。虽然我的男朋友知道此事,但我还是不能完全信任他。我不知道他是否怀疑我的忠诚。我不得不在工作的时候让我的肉体和精神完全脱离,这是一件多么罕见的“工作内容”。

我对我的工作感到极大的自豪。有时候,赤身裸体也会让我觉得难为情,但一想到大家都是赤裸相对,而且重点很快就会回到他们以及他们的身体上,这种难为情就不会持续很久。治疗一开始,我就不再是我自己了,而是千万个女人的化身——他们毫无羞愧的向我倾诉不能与其他女人倾诉的事情:在充满希望的新的性爱和他们生活中想与之重新开始的女人之间,我是一座桥梁。

这些治疗过程并没有什么不可思议的地方,但人们通常会觉得里面发生的事情不可思议。这些谈话并不只限于诊所里边。我希望男女双方都能明白,缓和和耐心是发现彼此的身体需要什么的关键,多多交流能创造更令人满意的性爱。每个人都害怕在床上经验和技巧不足。

相关链接:

丽贝卡·特里森是一位性治疗师,帮助人们获得更完美的性爱,并通过一对一的咨询和指导缓和人们不和谐的性生活。她是一位经过认证的性治疗师,在纽约市一家性康复中心已经工作了四年了。如果想了解更多关于丽贝卡的信息,请登录savingintimacy.com.。

 

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